A Difficult Journey: Infertility- Miscarriage

A little recap for anyone who is new here. A year ago December 2015 I went to my 3rd doctor for help trying to conceive. We had been trying for over a year. I was finally diagnosed with suspected Endometriosis and scheduled a surgery early January 2015. During the surgery it was discovered that I have stage 3 endometriosis and adenomyosis. I took lupron injections for 6 months which put me into menopause at age 30. After the injections were complete we did a round of IUI in mid September which was unsuccessful. We decided to try on our own until the new year. Which brings us to now, the hardest part thus far.

I went to the doctor for my yearly exam on December 9th. During that exam it seemed that my endometriosis was making a come back. My doctor was puzzled but we put a plan in place. As soon as I started my next cycle I would go back on birth control and we would check my ovaries, uterus and everything else to possibly prepare for another round of IUI. Then on December 14th I was at day 31 of my cycle with no signs of it coming so I took a pregnancy test. It was faintly positive. I was shaking, crying, scared, nervous, excited and had no idea what to do at all except call the doctor. I called them and text my fertility nurse. I called Andrew and almost couldn’t even tell him because I was in complete shock. Did this really happen after all this time, did we really get pregnant on our own? I went to the doctor and had blood work done. It came back with low numbers showing an early pregnancy. They put me on progesterone twice a day and I was to go back for more blood work in a week. The morning I was due to go in December 21st I was spotting. Bright red blood that was preceded by intense cramps. I called the doctors office as soon as they opened. I called Andrew and told him. The rest of the day I think I spent crying, shaking, worrying and just flat out not knowing what to do with myself. As the day went on the bleeding increased from spotting to full blown period. Andrew and I went to the doctor around noon for blood work and an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed that it was not an ectopic pregnancy which was a relief, if that is even possible. The rest of the ultrasound showed that although it was early there was no sign of a viable pregnancy. I just had to wait on the blood work to back it up. The call came Monday evening that in fact my HCG level had dropped from 64 to 9. Late Monday evening I guess you could say the miscarriage was complete. What was forming as our baby passed. It was thick dark red/maroon and the shape reminded me of the round top of a balloon, it was bigger than a water balloon and smaller than a standard balloon. That part was followed by a white/pink thick thing that made me think of a slug. It wasn’t painful it just happened and then it was over. All of a sudden I wasn’t pregnant anymore.

How could it be so emotionally wrecking to loose something that we only knew was there for 7 short days? How can it hurt so bad but not be physically painful at all? Maybe its a good thing it happened early instead of after we heard a heartbeat. Could it have happened at a worse time? Is there even such a thing as a good time for a miscarriage, NO there isn’t. Why did this happen? Did I ever really want to add this to my life journey, NO NEVER. Is it going to happen again? When will the day come that I can stop walking around pretending that this didn’t happen or actually accept it? When will the sight of Blake crying or upset stop making me completely break down? When will nights not be so hard? When will we truly understand what this means for us? When will this seem real? There are so many questions and feelings that I have been experiencing over the last few days and I know that I will continue to feel for a while. I know that this is part of the grieving process, I know that with time things will be better.

This Christmas went from being the most exciting one to one that I will never forget and not in a good way. I was absolutely dreading spending time around everyone and pretending to be okay. I guess lucky for me I happened to get a bilateral ear infection right before we left town to celebrate with family which gave me a great reason to sit back and be much more low key than normal. I am very thankful that we have the best most supportive family but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell them. I can still barely type it let alone say the words out loud without breaking down. I know that with time this will get easier but right now its still fresh and raw. Right now it still hurts deeply.

There has to be a silver lining in this though right? I have somehow been able to make it through this entire journey with hope that good things are coming. I thought this was finally our good thing, I though this difficult journey might actually be over for us. Clearly it isn’t. So back to the silver lining and all the good that I am trying to pull out of such a horrible thing. This has shown me that I/we can get pregnant after all. Our miscarriage has shown me that giving up is not what we should do. (I was done after my appointment in early December when we thought my endometriosis was coming back, I had completely given up.) Even though our baby did not survive this time it gives me hope that we can continue on this journey. That we can go on to have a healthy baby and healthy pregnancy in the future. I’m not sure how near future that will be but I have a restored hope that our family will grow at some time in the future.

I got a bracelet for Christmas from my cousin Alyssa. It is a Lokai Bracelet. The particular one I received is the red one for feed the children. Thats not the part of the bracelet that means so much though, the thing is the bracelet has a white bead and a black bead to represent the highs and lows you experience during life. They say the white bead is a reminder to stay humble when you are on top and the black bead is to remind you to remain hopeful when you’ve hit a low. Each time I look down at the bracelet I am reminded to stay hopeful, that maybe this low is a sign that things could happen for us after all. Thank you Alyssa for giving me this bracelet and restoring my hope without even knowing it.

A friend of mine that I haven’t been close to in a while also dropped off the most heart warming gift when she found out about my miscarriage. She had a miscarriage of her own fairly recently. A lady sent her this bracelet and she brought it to me. It says “one day at a time” It is a reminder that the pain doesn’t go away but it does get easier with time. Now when I put this bracelet on each morning not only is it reminding me to take each day as it comes but its also like I’m wearing a peace of her heart on my wrist. I don’t think I will ever have the right words to properly thank you Hannah but I know that you know exactly how I feel and until I find the exact right words thank you.

Now that it has taken a me a week and another trip to the doctors office (OBGYN and Primary care) to write this post I really am ready to share. I get to start 2016 off with a reset of my body. I am taking a month to allow my body to heal from the miscarriage, the bilateral ear infection, and the allergic reaction to a second round of antibiotics. As hurtful as the end of 2015 was I am looking forward to taking on 2016.

 

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