A Difficult Journey- Infertility: When it Really Started

Proof that I can’t resist the yummy sweets lately.

As I sit here in the car letting my precious boy sleep I can’t help but think about what today marks for me on this journey of infertility. Two years ago today I stopped taking my birth control so we could start trying to have another baby. I’ll never forget the day because it is also my brothers wedding day. I honestly didn’t stop taking it until that date for two very selfish reasons. Here they are 1. I didn’t want to be fat, even if it was pregnant not actually fat, in any of the pictures and 2. I wanted to be able to drink. Looking back now those reasons are the stupidest reasons ever! I mean seriously am I that vain? I guess sometimes I can be. 

Now though, now, I can’t believe it was two years ago that we were unknowingly starting this difficult journey. I thought we would have a baby in about a year and our family would be complete. While it is sad, painful and so many other things, a flood of emotions really I am also happy and optimistic about what the future holds for our family. It has taken me a while to get to this point but I’m here!

I have 60 days left on Lupron. I am so close to completing my 6 months of treatment. That’s something to jump up and down and celebrate about! You know what I just might do that, jump up and down to celebrate because it will take my mind off how tough this journey really has been.

I feel like I need a plan for the next 60 days and you know what? I’ve got one. I’ve got a summer schedule for Blake and I. I’ve got a trip planned hopefully planning another one too. Most importantly I’ve got my mind in the right place. It’s easy to sit around and cry and be sad but that’s not going to work for me. I mean I wouldn’t mind doing that today since I feel a little sappy but I cried a little while writing this and that is enough. I let the tears fall when necessary but my mind is not set on the negative. My mind is set on the positive. I’m trying to keep my focus on right now and take it day by day. I’ve set a workout schedule for myself and a meal plan focus. (If I could just stay away from all the sweets. Ugh) I’m working on me and getting back to where I feel comfortable in my skin. My goal here = toned and tightened!  I’m also working on something special for The Swin Life. I can’t wait to share it. (Insert school girl excitement here!) I’m filling my plate but being very careful not to overload it. I think I’ve got the perfect amount to keep me busy and let my mind wander to the future a little but also keep me centered here and now. 

Before I leave I’ll just share a few of the mind wandering thoughts I have. After all it is easier to accept them and not completely ignore them. Are you ready for this…How long is it going to take us to get pregnant? Are we going to be able to get pregnant? Miscarriage probability? What’s life going to be like with a 5ish year old and a baby? How do I keep from relying on Blake as a major helper and allow him to continue to be a kid? Is the pre mentioned even going to be an issue? Will we have a boy or girl? Is trying going to take us back to the vicious cycle we were in before we found out about the endometriosis? Can I even handle being a mom of two? Am I crazy for even going through this process? (The answer to that is NO. We have a how far is too far and how much is too much. We aren’t there!) {I asked if you were ready for it and I bet you weren’t unless you’ve been in this situation.} Then I keep telling myself one step at a time. Be patient, be positive, be encouraging and stop rushing this! I know my body needs time and time is what I will continue to give it.

Ahh so what I’m super excited about is the new blog and new look coming for The Swin Life! You guys I’m telling you it’s so perfectly me! My apologies for being so absent over the last month or more. May really took me for a ride and I didn’t enjoy it at all. I’m ready for June though! It will be better.


Sending you all some positivity and courage!

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